My Little Miracle

Aubree is my little miracle. There is a moment in each of my days that I look at her and melt at the fact that God gave me this little miracle...he entrusted one of HIS children to ME.

I don't know why there are some woman who can't have children, but for a moment I was one of them. It doesn't make sense to me and it is unfair...especially when many of those woman would make wonderful moms. I can't empathize with them completely because my story had a good ending, but for a couple of months I wrestled with whether I would be able to have children. Early in 2010, I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS). As I sat in the doctors office holding Ollie's hand, and the doctor began to talk options, symptoms, and tests, my mind drifted to all the dreams I had of having a big family. I heard her say "infertility specialist" and I was gone...my mind was racing to all the things I thought I wouldn't experience: pregnancy, birth, buying baby clothes and cribs, waiting for Santa, and so much more. Thank goodness Ollie was there to hear the rest, because I sure didn't hear anything past those two words. Basically my body wasn't having a cycle, if I wasn't on a cycle, that meant no ovulating, and no ovulating meant I couldn't get pregnant on my own.

Now as you know, I got pregnant, had a great pregnancy, and a healthy, beautiful baby girl. We never made it the infertility specialist. I was able to get pregnant on the treatments that my OB/GYN prescribed me. Again, I was blessed....it only took one cycle of Clomid, a lot of ultrasounds, and a shot of more hormones to get pregnant (you can only do this 5 times before you have to do IVF). When I took that pregnancy test, I couldn't look at it...I didn't think I would have been able to handle a negative result. When Ollie looked and said, "We are going to have a baby!" I was instantly in tears. I don't know why God chose me to overcome this obstacle, but to me it's a miracle and a blessing that I don't ever want to take for granted.

I don't know if I will have trouble getting pregnant again or if my body will readjust after pregnancy, but I do know one thing...Aubree was given to me - not because I deserved it, or because I was good enough, but by the grace of God. So each morning when I go to get her out of her crib, and she smiles at me I realize how blessed I am to be this little girl's mama.

If you have dealt with this in your life, or are dealing with it right now, I want you to be encouraged by my story. When life isn't what we dreamt of as little girls, it can be really disappointing. But motherhood is not defined by the way we become mothers. Whether it is through adoption, pregnancy, or a surrogate, we become mothers the moment a baby (big or small) is placed in our arms and a whole new journey begins. Our hearts fill up with a love that we never knew existed and the way that we viewed the world suddenly changes. So don't give up hope and know that in one way or another, God will bless you with the joy of motherhood - even if it's in a different way than we imagine.